Hearing that your cheating spouse is "in love" with someone else is devastating. I hear often, "I can handle her having sex with someone else. I do think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and "love" somebody else...man, that's hard." (Feel free to swap the word "he" for "she" in this article.)
What can you particularly do to improve the chances of saving the marriage?
So, usually the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to "win her back."
He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the telephone. Asks questions... daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn't work.Why? Well, for one reason she's uncovered all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found "love."
At a deeper level, this is perplexing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she's liable to close the door on the marriage even more. Plus, she is truly searching for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.
If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can assist her in ways she truly seeks.
She is also prone to develop a polarity and start comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you do not stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!
Here's a technique that assists solve the problem and provides you with a greater chance of saving the marriage. It is known as "back off!"
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent - much of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking them questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Keep in mind, this "in love" state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.
She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to really hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, "This won't last. Is this what I really want? At some time I should live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I truly want to go? Why am I very dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I am not with him? What does this say about me?"
This is her opportunity to learn about True love. Do not get in her way.
I know. I know. This is much easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally essential that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.
At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill known as "charging neutral" to assist "back off." Use that skill. This will require some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you - aside from what she does with him - that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
This is your chance to grow to another level.
Oh, by the way. She's going to notice! And....she may like it.
Backing off does not imply that you don't have anything to do with her. Rather the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, however it will be Quality contact. It will be contact which does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a certain skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage.
What can you particularly do to improve the chances of saving the marriage?
So, usually the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to "win her back."
He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the telephone. Asks questions... daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn't work.Why? Well, for one reason she's uncovered all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found "love."
At a deeper level, this is perplexing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she's liable to close the door on the marriage even more. Plus, she is truly searching for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.
If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can assist her in ways she truly seeks.
She is also prone to develop a polarity and start comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you do not stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!
Here's a technique that assists solve the problem and provides you with a greater chance of saving the marriage. It is known as "back off!"
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent - much of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking them questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Keep in mind, this "in love" state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.
She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to really hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, "This won't last. Is this what I really want? At some time I should live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I truly want to go? Why am I very dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I am not with him? What does this say about me?"
This is her opportunity to learn about True love. Do not get in her way.
I know. I know. This is much easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally essential that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.
At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill known as "charging neutral" to assist "back off." Use that skill. This will require some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you - aside from what she does with him - that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
This is your chance to grow to another level.
Oh, by the way. She's going to notice! And....she may like it.
Backing off does not imply that you don't have anything to do with her. Rather the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, however it will be Quality contact. It will be contact which does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a certain skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage.
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