We dealt with a man lately who blamed his money troubles on his wife. He finally admitted some of his mistakes. However, for each thing he said he messed up on, he would add, "Yea, but..." and then tell what she did that "caused" him to do what he did - whether it was buying a bigger, better car that he wanted, buying every toy in the world for their kids or doing poorly at his job.
Are you a "Yea, but..." person? Listen to yourself. Do you rationalize what you do or did when something goes wrong? Or do you take responsibility? How often this week have you blamed someone else or something else for anything that went wrong?
Once when George and I were interviewed on a national television show, a well known male vocalist who sang on the same program and who had made a number of albums, walked up to us with his wife. They were a striking looking couple - both handsome and personable. She worked as a coordinator of whatever was going to air, so we had seen her dashing about the stage
"We would like you to keep this hush-hush," he said in a low tone of voice. We assured him that we had no trouble keeping confidences. "Our marriage is in trouble," he continued. "Can you come to our house tonight and talk with us?"
We did but we wished we hadn't. That evening was one of the worst we had ever experienced. Neither of them would let the other talk. In fact, they wouldn't let us talk. She was too busy screaming at him. He was too busy yelling back. Their faces were red with fury. Accusations flew back and forth. She blamed him. He blamed her. This went on until 2:00 in the morning.
George or I both tried to interfere, but it was as if we weren't there. We even tried to out-yell them at one point to get their attention, but that didn't work either.
I wish I could tell you that we broke through. We didn't. Finally, we headed for the door. They were still making the walls vibrate as we stepped out into the night air. I'm not even sure they saw us leave. We just hoped one of them wouldn't cause trouble. Neither could see his or her own faults, weaknesses and selfishness. They were blame people... "Yea, but..." people who excused themselves but not each other. They were toxic to one another.
No matter your age, no matter your accomplishments in life, if you look for someone else to hold responsible when....you can't find your keys...you missed an appointment...you're in financial difficulties...you don't have satisfying sex...you can't get a date...your children are tricky...the meat got burned...whatever it is...understand this: Such behavior is proof that you have a huge hunk of immaturity boiling around inside of you.
"Yea, but I wasn't the one who..." Woops! There you go again. If you want to be a really grown-up person, look waaaay back to the beginning of any problem you have and view it with a critical eye so you can be honest about your part in it.
And if you want to be a really, really mature person, even if you decide that you had no fault at all in a given matter, refuse to point the finger or accuse. Just say, "Hey, but for the grace of God, I might have done the same thing." Or, "We all make mistakes. I've made plenty in my lifetime." Forgive and try to forget.
"Yea but..." people hurt their marriages. In our books and material for men, and our books and material for women, we get to the root cause of problems, of bad feelings, of temptations to end a marriage rather than save it, and a whole lot more. Once you understand what's behind it all, then you are in a position to do the right thing. You will heal your life and your marriage.
Are you a "Yea, but..." person? Listen to yourself. Do you rationalize what you do or did when something goes wrong? Or do you take responsibility? How often this week have you blamed someone else or something else for anything that went wrong?
Once when George and I were interviewed on a national television show, a well known male vocalist who sang on the same program and who had made a number of albums, walked up to us with his wife. They were a striking looking couple - both handsome and personable. She worked as a coordinator of whatever was going to air, so we had seen her dashing about the stage
"We would like you to keep this hush-hush," he said in a low tone of voice. We assured him that we had no trouble keeping confidences. "Our marriage is in trouble," he continued. "Can you come to our house tonight and talk with us?"
We did but we wished we hadn't. That evening was one of the worst we had ever experienced. Neither of them would let the other talk. In fact, they wouldn't let us talk. She was too busy screaming at him. He was too busy yelling back. Their faces were red with fury. Accusations flew back and forth. She blamed him. He blamed her. This went on until 2:00 in the morning.
George or I both tried to interfere, but it was as if we weren't there. We even tried to out-yell them at one point to get their attention, but that didn't work either.
I wish I could tell you that we broke through. We didn't. Finally, we headed for the door. They were still making the walls vibrate as we stepped out into the night air. I'm not even sure they saw us leave. We just hoped one of them wouldn't cause trouble. Neither could see his or her own faults, weaknesses and selfishness. They were blame people... "Yea, but..." people who excused themselves but not each other. They were toxic to one another.
No matter your age, no matter your accomplishments in life, if you look for someone else to hold responsible when....you can't find your keys...you missed an appointment...you're in financial difficulties...you don't have satisfying sex...you can't get a date...your children are tricky...the meat got burned...whatever it is...understand this: Such behavior is proof that you have a huge hunk of immaturity boiling around inside of you.
"Yea, but I wasn't the one who..." Woops! There you go again. If you want to be a really grown-up person, look waaaay back to the beginning of any problem you have and view it with a critical eye so you can be honest about your part in it.
And if you want to be a really, really mature person, even if you decide that you had no fault at all in a given matter, refuse to point the finger or accuse. Just say, "Hey, but for the grace of God, I might have done the same thing." Or, "We all make mistakes. I've made plenty in my lifetime." Forgive and try to forget.
"Yea but..." people hurt their marriages. In our books and material for men, and our books and material for women, we get to the root cause of problems, of bad feelings, of temptations to end a marriage rather than save it, and a whole lot more. Once you understand what's behind it all, then you are in a position to do the right thing. You will heal your life and your marriage.
About the Author:
Do you have relationship problems? You are not alone. Millions have marriage problems We'll show you how to save your marriage , and get separate help for men
No comments:
Post a Comment